Mesita - Somewhere Else (2011)

just sharing with you guys a new band that i found thanks to a youtube-er that i've been 'stalking' recently. i really love their sound. this is the kind of music that i really need, in the midst of my healing journey.

i can imagine you somehow, i can already imagine how happy i would be with you. you're out there. i can feel it.

How I Style: Headscarfs

for you guys who asked me how i tied my headscarf

actually i just tied it without even knowing what im doing
i know its not the same but i think this one looks better
because the way i tied it makes me look like a maid 

enjoy!

why 

am 

i 

still

hanging

on

Cassie - King Of Hearts

or am i just deluded

when normality starts to sink in, i then realize how most people live their lives in such unabashed monotony. It's a sad sight. I believe our minds are capable of so much more. We just need the right catalysts 




Today.

i dont know what to say about today.
okay actually i have a lot to say about today its just that i dont know what i really feel about it
i know that today, Thursday 23rd February 2012, i have given my ex closure (the fansyuri guy. i guess by now you all are having a difficult time figuring out who's who Lol sorry). he's been waiting for me for 3 years and that's not a funny thing at all. So i seriously need to give him a wake up call I feel like... Gandalf the grey. If u dont know who Gandalf is i suggest you start knowing him. Okay nvm lets just change him to Dumbledore. so basically i feel like Dumbledore just now because Dumbledore always says stuff that just makes you.....see. so basically what my wizard-self told him was: "fansyuri. there's a girl out there who will give your life meaning one day. but that girl is not me. you should move on." i said a lot more harsher things after that. out of context stuff that'll probably make his self-esteem disintegrate into erm, nothing. OK i basically said 1) you are not my type 2) you're gay-er than last time 3) gay 4) u deserve this

So anyway i think its important to provide an ex-boyfriend with proper closure, so that he will stop deluding himself. i am sure that my method is not the most humane method to make someone move on but idk this is just how i do it and i simply cant think of any other way. And by closure i mean, Permanent Closure. no more meet ups, no more contact no nothing. because that's the best way. I dont know why but the word 'weaning' comes into mind whenever i want to give someone THE CLOSURE (in capital just because) But dont u think so? its like weaning them off you.

okay so back to me, anyway i think i gave the best possible closure talk

"okay so u see this table? i want u to dump all ur feelings on to this table, all of it, all all all. and when we walk away from this table, i want ur feelings for me to remain here. on this table."
i kinda use the table as an anchor for his feelings.  idk whether it works.
i think it didnt.
but i just felt good saying it. made me feel wise and Dumbledore-ish

but seriously i feel so sorry for him, he's gone too soft, 3 years of being miserable and messing around with his dopamine receptors made him into a pitiful lump of fansyuri.. = Fansyuri 2.0 and i cannot STAND fansyuri 2.0 and he just oozes off negative vibes and i can feel myself like, idk i just feel a drowning icky sensation omg never have i met someone so sad i keep blaming myself because im the one who made him turn into this muck. but he had me last time. he was given a chance. and it's his loss. because i truly loved him but now all that's left of my feelings is just Pity.
it's a shame because he let me destroy him

im going to change you to a happy man, to a better man, but just take me as a friend

even if i couldnt love you the way you love me 

as much as it hurts, its quite a liberating feeling, really.

 .......just passing by

im gonna make myself a happy girl turn that frown upside down 

for the guys who love chinese looking girls so much

am i chinese enough now 

Lana Del Rey - Oh Say Can You See

Please

Please learn to put this in your mind janny. He doesnt care.

happy valentines day

my valentines day sucked 

i made this for yayat 

and gave it to him at his doorstep 

and idk i kind of cried alot today

in the mrt 

outside his house

under his block

hmm ok thats all i guess

i try

i just got to know that he still hasnt gotten over me after 8 months. I almost laughed at the irony of it because looking at the bigger picture, all i see is a fucking love triangle. Here comes an ex who hasnt gotten over me, but im loving a guy who hasnt gotten over HIS ex, but his ex is attached to someone else already. seriously? Seriously god? now u are making ME feel guilty for fucking over a capable and goodlooking guy. apparently 6/8 months ago i wouldve jumped at the opportunity of getting back with taufiq but the frustrating thing is whenever someone wants me back, i lost feelings for them already. WHY CANT THEY EVER WANT ME WHEN I WANT THEM? why must they act like total jerks while im still so in love with them and then regret and whine like babies AFTER i found someone new and when i try to tell them that "im sorry but u treated me like shit last time" they still have the fucking CHEEK to push the blame back to me by saying that "you made mistakes too". Hey asshole, my kind of person will NEVER cheat if someone is treating me right. thats just asking for it. so anyway i was more pissed than touched at the fact tht he hasnt moved on because he hasnt changed ONE BIT. Still a fucking child. I cant believe a human being like this exists. Such a waste. So good looking but so so Unbelievably annoying and.. I know him too well and and i am truly disgusted by his attitude and way of life. Apparently now he is the talk of the town, i guess. with girls all being like "ooo taufiq tyga is so handsome" and "oo who is this taufiq he is so cute ooo" and im over here like..."hahaha bitch....u dont know shit!" at least i can smile to myself knowing that these dumb girls dont know fucking shit about him and i wish them luck. But sometimes i catch myself thinking that maybe just maybe i should get back with him because as much of an asshole he is sometimes, he is the ONLY guy who accepts me 100% flaws and all but No, im not gonna hurt him like last time. Im not gonna hurt him just because i am alone, desperate, and unsure. U know how horrible the feeling is? Faking a relationship just so that you can trick your mind into thinking youre not alone, forcing yourself to love him so you wont think
About the one you really love? I tell u this, its a horrible, gut wrenching feeling and even after u break up, u will still feel the aftermath of fucking a good guy up just because of Ur own selfish needs. U know, something called karma. And that shit has no mercy i tell you this

just a regular night at orchard

Metronomy - Not Made For Love

i always pretend to be happy but i know that 2012 is not going to be a good year for me 




did i tell u guys that 
i hate my face
i hate my body
i hate my life
i hate the fact that 
a guy
keeps making me believe that im not good enough
for anyone
i cant believe that stupid teenage infatuation
is making such a big impact on me
what about other people in this world
who have bigger problems
like taking care of their broken family
like fighting to be alive everyday in a war-torn country 
like being bullied at school and having no friends
like having a sexually abusive dad
like.. being made to work in a factory and paid like,50 cents per day
.....and here i am worrying about a PETTY boy




i am a pathetic shallow human being




its really hurtful you know 
it really really hurts


pls god, take away this pain
or open his heart
or just kill him




ok i take that back the killing him part 

:(

Nothing hurts more than this

Shit Black Guys Say

Shit Tumblr Girls Say: The Sequel

in the process of enlarging my lobes - did 4mm yesterday 

date with the best friend: