or am i just deluded

when normality starts to sink in, i then realize how most people live their lives in such unabashed monotony. It's a sad sight. I believe our minds are capable of so much more. We just need the right catalysts 




Today.

i dont know what to say about today.
okay actually i have a lot to say about today its just that i dont know what i really feel about it
i know that today, Thursday 23rd February 2012, i have given my ex closure (the fansyuri guy. i guess by now you all are having a difficult time figuring out who's who Lol sorry). he's been waiting for me for 3 years and that's not a funny thing at all. So i seriously need to give him a wake up call I feel like... Gandalf the grey. If u dont know who Gandalf is i suggest you start knowing him. Okay nvm lets just change him to Dumbledore. so basically i feel like Dumbledore just now because Dumbledore always says stuff that just makes you.....see. so basically what my wizard-self told him was: "fansyuri. there's a girl out there who will give your life meaning one day. but that girl is not me. you should move on." i said a lot more harsher things after that. out of context stuff that'll probably make his self-esteem disintegrate into erm, nothing. OK i basically said 1) you are not my type 2) you're gay-er than last time 3) gay 4) u deserve this

So anyway i think its important to provide an ex-boyfriend with proper closure, so that he will stop deluding himself. i am sure that my method is not the most humane method to make someone move on but idk this is just how i do it and i simply cant think of any other way. And by closure i mean, Permanent Closure. no more meet ups, no more contact no nothing. because that's the best way. I dont know why but the word 'weaning' comes into mind whenever i want to give someone THE CLOSURE (in capital just because) But dont u think so? its like weaning them off you.

okay so back to me, anyway i think i gave the best possible closure talk

"okay so u see this table? i want u to dump all ur feelings on to this table, all of it, all all all. and when we walk away from this table, i want ur feelings for me to remain here. on this table."
i kinda use the table as an anchor for his feelings.  idk whether it works.
i think it didnt.
but i just felt good saying it. made me feel wise and Dumbledore-ish

but seriously i feel so sorry for him, he's gone too soft, 3 years of being miserable and messing around with his dopamine receptors made him into a pitiful lump of fansyuri.. = Fansyuri 2.0 and i cannot STAND fansyuri 2.0 and he just oozes off negative vibes and i can feel myself like, idk i just feel a drowning icky sensation omg never have i met someone so sad i keep blaming myself because im the one who made him turn into this muck. but he had me last time. he was given a chance. and it's his loss. because i truly loved him but now all that's left of my feelings is just Pity.
it's a shame because he let me destroy him