Disoriented

i dont really feel like this every night, this feeling of doubt. but it does arise at one point of time or another. and it chose to come tonight. i wonder if other girls have ever felt the same way too about their boyfriends. or am i the only one? i feel sick in the stomach to even have these kind of thoughts in the first place. he is my fucking boyfriend for god sake why am i still questioning this relationship? what if questioning this relationship is a sign that im not really in love? what if i just love him too much until i start questioning this relationship because it seems like he doesn't love me enough?

what if i am just his first love? since i am his first girlfriend? i really dont think that i will be his last. this is the modern world. it just doesn't work that way anymore. if it was during our grandparent's times, yes, maybe its possible, to have those kind of lasting relationships that lead to marriage, where nightly conversations on the phone turn to nightly conversations on bed.

im scared. what if i am lying to myself. what if, im not even made for love. what if i dont even deserve to love. what if im just over thinking. like always.

when he says he wants to marry me and stuff, i kind of scoff in my head because thats what all love birds say during their 'just got together' phase. and i honestly think that he is just a tad too excited and too in love. that is all. he doesn't really want to marry a hunk of mess like me. thats why every time he talks about marriage or how much he wants to 'wife' me i wasn't really wow-ed because words can always be spewed without feeling the true gravity of its meaning. marriage is not an easy word to throw around and when you are already mentioning it only after 3-4 months, i feel like i cannot take the rest of your other words seriously too. because you yourself dont take your words seriously. i just dont like it when you serenade me with pretty, promising pledges of love. what if it doesn't happen? im the one who will be licking my wounds, not you...

 just dont promise me the world when the world doesn't even belong to you.

i would end this post with an 'i love you' but right now, i dont know whether im saying it because i truly mean it or it is just out of obligation. that's why i dont like being in a relationship sometimes. its like you HAVE to say i love you at the end of everything and it just doesn't feel like anything anymore. why is there a need to do it? why? if you really love someone must you say it every time to assure him/her? if you love her enough, the right way, she would've felt so much of it all inside of her you dont even need to say it. would just be like an added bonus, like that extra pat of powder you put on your face when you know you already put on enough. yeah like that. but maybe, that extra pat of powder is just for security. just in case.

and funny how after saying all this, it actually made me miss you.